rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
