My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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