You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
