Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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