dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
