So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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