I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
