your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
