so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
