he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
