i just google imaged poop.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
