I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
