go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
