Pants 0. Shit 1.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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