Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
