my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
