the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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