I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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