Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
