my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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