if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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