remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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