I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
