ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Damn victory sex feels great
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