While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
