Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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