There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
