I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
