hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
