I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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