im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
