so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
