Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Randomize
