I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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