thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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