Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Don't make out with my wife yet
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
