every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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