the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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