sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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