Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
