How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
