I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
