Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
