So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm at about main and main street
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
