I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
