Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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