I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
