Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize