im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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