i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize