i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
