3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
