U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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