what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
