And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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