laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
