Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
