Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
