I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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